Many of us learned to forgive the way children learn to say sorry. You say the words, shake hands and agree not to mention it again. That works for small things. With deeper wounds it often fails, and people who have forgiven that way are left wondering why the anger keeps coming back years later. Some decide they never really forgave at all.
A doctor treating a deep cut cleans it thoroughly before stitching it, because a wound closed over dirt will become infected and have to be reopened. Forgiveness that skips the honest part tends to go the same way. Scripture asks more of us than a quick apology ritual. In some areas, it also asks less than we have been told.
What Jesus Taught About Forgiving
Jesus explained forgiveness with a story about money. A servant owed his master a sum he could never repay, and when he begged for mercy, “the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt” (Matthew 18:27, NKJV). The same servant then found a fellow servant who owed him a small amount and had him thrown into prison. His master’s response was direct: “Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” (Matthew 18:33, NKJV).
In this parable, forgiveness means cancelling a debt. When someone wrongs you, they take something from you: your peace, your money, your good name, or years you will not get back. Forgiving them means you stop trying to collect. You hand the account to God and leave it with Him. The debt was real, and you are choosing not to pursue it.
For most serious hurts, this happens more than once. When Peter suggested forgiving seven times, Jesus answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22, NKJV). The memory returns, the resentment rises, and you release it again.
Paul gives the reason we do this at all: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NKJV). We forgive because we have been forgiven, and our own debt to God was far larger than anything owed to us.
What Forgiveness Does Not Ask of You
This is where many sincere believers carry loads God never gave them.
You do not have to pretend it didn’t hurt. You cannot cancel a debt you refuse to admit exists, and the Psalms show that God can handle honest pain.
You do not have to keep quiet either. Jesus said, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3, NKJV). Telling someone they have wronged you, gently and in love, is often part of the road to forgiveness.
Trust is a separate matter. Forgiveness is given freely, but trust is earned back over time. You can release a person completely and still wait to see changed behaviour before you rely on them again.
Reconciliation needs two people. Paul wrote, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18, NKJV). Both conditions matter. If the other person will not make peace, you can still forgive them.
And forgiveness never means staying where you are being harmed. You can release someone to God and keep yourself safe at the same time.
David Forgave Saul but Kept His Distance
King Saul hunted David for years out of jealousy. Twice David had the chance to kill him, and twice he refused, leaving judgement to God. After the second time, Saul admitted he had been wrong and spoke kindly to David. Even so, David did not move back to the palace. Scripture records, “Then David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place” (1 Samuel 26:25, NKJV). He held no grudge and never tried to harm Saul, but he did not put himself back within Saul’s reach.
Jesus went further than any of us will be asked to go. On the cross He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34, NKJV). He did not deny what was being done to Him, and He still released the men doing it to the mercy of God.
A Picture Closer to Home
Picture a woman in Lagos whose business partner of many years moved money out of their company and left her to face the debts. At church she was told to forgive, and she tried. To her, though, forgiving meant welcoming him back and acting as if the loss had not hurt her children. She could not do it, and she decided she was a poor Christian. Things changed when someone explained that she could cancel the debt before God without ever going back into business with him. She began to pray honestly about what he had taken. Over the following months she stopped rehearsing the story and stopped wishing him ill. She never partnered with him again, and she found peace.
An African proverb says that the axe forgets, but the tree remembers. Forgiving will not wipe your memory, and God does not ask it to. What changes is that the memory stops ruling you.
Questions to Pray Through
- Is there someone I am still trying to make pay for what they did?
- Have I tried to forgive by pretending I was not hurt?
- Have I confused forgiveness with trust or reconciliation, and felt guilty for not managing something God did not ask of me?
- When an old hurt comes back, can I see it as another opportunity to forgive rather than proof that I failed?
If someone’s name came to mind as you read this, take it to God today. Tell Him plainly what they took from you, and then hand the account over to Him. You may need to do the same again tomorrow, and the day after. For deep hurts, that is how forgiveness usually works.
